Apathy: A Very Short One Act

[A man walks up to a house and pushes the doorbell. He's familiar with this area -- he's lived there for nearly a year, but still doesn't know many of the neighbors. He waits, impatiently looking at his watch as he notices he'll be slightly late for a dentist appointment. A small Jack Russell Terrier rushes to the glass storm door, followed by a partially dressed 3 year old girl. Moments later, a tall woman in a pink robe and not much else appears.]

Man: "Hi, I think we found your golden retriever this morning. I called the vet on her tag, she told us it belonged to this address."
Woman: "Yeah?"
Man: "I stuck her in my fenced-in backyard just down the road on ---- Drive."
Woman: "Okay."
Man: "My wife is still there so you can go pick her up whenever if you'd like."
Woman: "Oh, no. You can just let her out. She roams the neighborhood."
Man: "Oh. Alright."

[Man walks back to his car, shakes his head confusedly, and drives away.]

Questions From My Wife IV: Quickies

A bunch of quick hits:

1) Why does it make you sleepy to be warm?

This basically has to do with the human body's response to overexertion. Increased body temperatures have a tendency to "cook" tissues, so the autonomic nervous system activates a fatigue or tired response. This makes you slow down to hopefully decrease your body temperature to normal levels.

2) When did Sesame Street establish that Snuffleupagus was real and not a figment of Big Bird's imagination?

Aloysius Snuffleupagus was finally revealed to the adults on November 18, 1985. Apparently, according to Wikipedia, "Snuffy's performer, Martin P. Robinson, revealed that Snuffy was finally introduced to the main human cast mainly due to a string of high profile and sometimes graphic stories of pedophila and sexual abuse of children on shows such as 60 Minutes and 20/20. The writers felt that by having the adults refuse to believe Big Bird despite the fact that he was telling the truth, they were scaring children into thinking that their parents would not believe them if they had been sexually abused and that they'd just be better off remaining silent."

3) Why do I get a sinus headache when it's rainy/muggy out?

Apparently if you don't have a sinus infection, you can't really have a sinus headache. What you're experiencing is probably a migraine. Very little is known about this condition (sorry) but sufferers are often hypersensitive to a variety of internal and extrenal stimuli (certain foods, hormonal conditions, stress, and even weather conditions). High humidity and low barometric pressure have been shown to induce the headaches in a large number of migraine sufferers.

Until next time, sports fans.

Freedom Isn't Free

This is ridiculous.

Basically, during the 7th inning stretch of all Yankees games, the ushers run chains down all the aisles to prevent people from getting up while they play "God Bless America." I understand that as a privately-held company, the Yankees are pretty much allowed to do whatever they want in their stadium. But when people demand forced patriotism, I believe that's taking it one step too far.

The article mentions that the Red Sox and other teams encourage ushers to do similar things, but I don't recall anything like this at Fenway Park the last few times I've been. Besides, I would guess a few hundred people had standing-room-only tickets, so we had no choice but to wander about.

Just another reason to hate the Yanks.

It Took Me A While Too

Friday, April 6, ~7:00 PM -- Traveling to a family member's art opening in Leeds, AL.

Valerie: Heh.
Me: Huh?
Valerie: The Pants Store.
Me: Yeah?
Valerie: They're having a tent sale.
Me: What? Oh.... Nice.

Questions From My Wife III: Take Me Out to the Jock Jam

A week ago last Thursday, a group of us went to see the local minor league baseball team take on their major league counterparts at the end of spring training. I learned many things:
1) Baseball is kinda boring if you don't have a beer and/or hot dog.
2) I'm not cool because I don't have a strap on my sunglasses so I can wear them backwards around my neck. Actually, I was probably already not cool because I got my sunglasses from a dollar store.
3) People-watching at stadiums comes second maybe to airports, but it's still pretty good.
4) We've run out of sporting event music.

This directly ties in with the third question from my wife:

Are there still people out there recording jock jams? If so, why do they still play "Are You Ready for This" (alternate choice - "Everybody Dance Now") all the time? Were we in high school at the artistic peak of the jock jame genre?

In high school, due to copius supplies of pep rallies, I believe that our bodies and minds were subjugated to higher quantities of the jock jam. We saw countless little bitchy girls get thrown in the air to songs ranging from "It Takes Two (To Make A Thing Go Right and/or Out Of Sight)" to "Rock and Roll Part 2" (or "Hey, We Beat The Hell Out Of You Cause We're Awesome So Suck It"). So maybe one answer is that we're not around high school gymnasiums as much as we used to be.

But you do have a point. Looking at the track listings for ESPN Presents Jock Jams, Volumes One, Two, Three, Four, and even Five reveals the extremely rigorous process a song must go through to be denoted a jam of jock. But seriously, they were really stretching there on volume 5.... "Ray of Light"? Usher? Actually, I have no idea what makes a song escape Billboard's Top 40 to be a tried and true "jock jam." Are there any hits from the last 5 years that are played with reasonable frequency at professional ballpark? Maybe "Hey Ya", but it's getting really close to that 5-year threshold.

So what's the deal? Are people not recording jock jams anymore? Or are announcers too far out of the loop to play anything modern? My guess is that there's a little bit of both. House music just isn't as fashionable as it was in the early 90s. Current songwriters have abandoned exploring what particular dance steps one must undertake to create the Tootsie Roll. Also, I think all the stadiums just have those 5 discs on shuffle. Why mess with what works?

Questions From My Wife II: Sussudio

What is "Su Sussudio"? Why do I hate it so much?

Sussudio is a horrible horrible song written by Phil Collins and released on his 1985 album No Jacket Required. Here you can find the lyrics and wonder to yourself how this man ever made it as a songwriter. Basically, he just sings about how he as a young man longs for an older woman named Sussudio. Over and over. For some reason, this made it to the top of the Billboard charts. But, to give you an idea of what the hell people were thinking in 1985, it followed Bryan Adams' Heaven and preceded Duran Duran's A View To A Kill. True fact: everyone buying music at that time was on some form of cocaine. To further illustrate this point, the lead character in American Psycho alludes to Sussudio as a "personal favorite."

As to why you hate it, I have a few potential answers:
1) It has no story. It's a pop music version of asking someone to go out with them so many times they finally say ok.
2) It's really about a man's love for a horse. Phil Collins got the name Sussudio from one of his daughter's horses.
3) Phil Collins has a whiny voice and stole the main chord progression from Prince's 1999.
4) It makes no sense. Are we supposed to get that Sussudio is someone's name? True fact #2: I can guarantee that it is, in actuality, no one's name.

NCAA picks...

Before anyone accuses me of making this up after a few games have started, I assure you that I already went through them to make picks....

http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/entry?entryID=512926

Basically, I have Texas over Kansas in the final. Let's see how awesome I am!

(By the way, that's a bracket fungus.)

ETA: Absolutely un-awesome.